Depression Brought Me Closer to God.

Depression is a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. Also called major depressive disorder or clinical depression, it affects how you feel, think and behave and can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems.

I have been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, since 2008.  At the time, there was much turmoil in my life, and I wasn't in the Church.  I had fallen off.  I wasn't going to Mass, I wasn't praying, I was somewhat agnostic.  I was single, pregnant, and scared.  I had just come back home from a year-long deployment with the U.S. Navy.  My world had just come crashing in.  And in June 2008, mid-pregnancy, I was so depressed that my OB/GYN didn't let me leave the office.  It was that obvious that I was that sad, and I was contemplating suicide after I delivered my baby.  I just felt that worthless and that hopeless.

Soon after I delivered my baby, I lost my job.  I had married the father of my baby on a Justice of the Peace celebration.  So some things were sort of looking up.  I still tried to attempt suicide, but was thankfully too chicken to try.  I considered the possibility of Hell, since I had known this from my formation as a cradle Catholic, and after having talked to a priest about the possibility of getting married in the Church.  Either way, I was so sick that I still went down the suicide path several times.

However, through the years of treatment at the Veterans Affairs Hospital in Chicago, one of the things they push, is that spirituality may be a pillar that keeps you sane.  Over and over this possibility was brought to the table as part of my treatment, and over and over I turned it down.

I had fallen into the idea that intellect alone should save me from the throes of depression.  I had fallen in the un-humble idea that I didn't need God.  If science has so many answers and so many treatments for depression, if I just follow what science says, I should be able to overcome.

Eventually, after about 6 years of "self-sufficiency", I came across a psychologist whom I respect very much.  She insisted - without pushing or preaching - I tried the spiritual pillar of recovery as part of my recovery plan.  I eventually gave in.  She scheduled an appointment for me to meet with the Catholic Chaplain.

I would like to say that I was obedient and humble and that I was able to immediately learn from what this Priest had to say.  But it was not so.  It was only after about 1 year of talking with him back and forth that I slowly came back to the faith and I gained humility and obedience (which they are NOT perfect - way far from perfect, but I try).

I now attend Mass more than just on Saturday Vigil or Sundays and Holy Days.  Sometimes it's a real struggle, but I try my absolute best.  Not because I feel like I am all holy these days - far from it, but because I want to be closer to God.

During my last hospitalization, which was just a few weeks ago, I had a confession with this Chaplain, and mentioned how I was closer to God and more "Christ-like".  He challenged my thought.  He asked me how it was that I was more Christ-like when I was still contemplating suicide?  I realized at this very moment that I needed to be more humble and that I also needed the help of God to get through this most horrible illness.

As you can see from the timeline, I am still a work in progress -  we all are.  But it was this descent down madness that led me to eventually seek God, and return to my faith, making this Cross I bear (depression) a blessing in disguise.

As I grow in faith and prayer, I realize that as much as I hate my depression, it is also a blessing I have.  It is as much a reason to increase my prayer life as it is a reason to thank God for everything that goes on in my life, including the bad.

Of Clutter and the Kingdom of Heaven.

There is no doubt that we are a capitalist country (USA), in a consumerist culture.  We are constantly bombarded by ads that tell us we need this and that product.  We are then told that to be happy we need to have more.  And when more is not enough, we are told we need better stuff, and then when better isn't enough, we need more again, and then better and so on and so forth.  Next thing you know, we need storage spaces outside of our houses, because we have outgrown our homes, so we get a storage space.  (Did you know that storage space companies are well and thriving? I'm sure you did.)  Then we think that we have too much stuff because not only have we outgrown our houses but they are overflowing with stuff and clutter, so we hire organizers to help us with parting ways with the stuff we don't really love, need, or no longer serves us.  (Or we buy books on how to get rid of clutter, either way, I am sure you get my point.)

But, is this really the way Jesus called us to live?  Does Jesus really want us to live in cluttered homes, in a never-ending circle of unhappiness and stuff?  Didn't He say at some point (and someone please help me with the exact Bible verse) to give up all earthly riches in order to enter the Kingdom of God?  Aren't we called to be humble?

I am speculating, because I couldn't find any studies to back this up, but America has to be one of the most cluttered countries.  We are also a self-proclaimed Christian nation.  If this is the case, if we are Christian, then why are we so obsessed with acquiring stuff?  With flaunting what we have (and what we have thanks to debt)?  With impressing our neighbor?  With keeping up with the Joneses?

When did the devil get a chance to ingrain himself in society to such a degree?  That we see it normal and a blessing to be overflowing in things that in the end are nothing but vanities?  When did we, as a Christian nation, put "stuff" first, even above God?

I am trying not to judge, but how many people do you know who would rather go to the shopping mall for 4 hours to spend money acquiring things they don't really need than to go to church?  How many people do you know would rather shorten Thanksgiving dinner or skip it all together so they can go get that fancy whatever-it-is-they-suddenly-decided-they-needed-thing on black Friday?  How many people are so in debt over stuff they really didn't need?

Just some thoughts that came to my head as I was organizing my closet, and getting ready to donate clothes I no longer wear and stuff that I bought when I was feeling down and decided that "retail therapy" was the way to go.  (Yes, I am guilty of consumerism, too.)

Who am I called to be?

There comes a time in the life of Christians in which we ask "Who am I called to be?".

I can't claim to have the answers, because I don't think I do.  However, there are certain things that can help us discern who we are called to be.

Firstly, God created us in a very unique way.  No other human is exactly like us, and God had us in His mind, from the beginning of times, and placed us where and when we are.  When you think about this, I think that there must be a reason that God decided to put me in this world, in this day and age, and that I must figure out what He wants of me.

However, how am I supposed to know what He wants from me?

1.  PRAYER

Prayer is a relationship, a conversation with God.  How do we find out what others want from us?  We ask them in conversation.  So why not have the same approach with God?  You can approach prayer in any which way you want.  That is, with prayers that come from the heart, or from a book.  The basic idea here is to get talking to God.  It may take some time, but a prayerful life will bear fruit.

I know from my personal experience that prayer can seem very one-sided, especially at the beginning.  However, when we keep at it, we find out that God has ways of talking to us.

2.  LISTENING

Listening is very difficult, but as your prayer life increases, listening becomes easier.  God has many ways of talking to us.  In the homilies at Mass, in reading the Bible or the lives of the saints, in what other people may say about your problem without asking them, in dreams, etc.  However, one must be careful with listening.  Listening should be guided by the Church teachings.  God is not going to tell you, for example, to stop going to confession, because that is against Church teaching.  For help in discerning the listening, go to your nearest priest.

3.  HUMILITY

We don't know the answers to everything.  We can't do everything.  We can't make everything happen.  We can't control everything that is going on.  Not everything is going to go our way.  We must accept life's shortcomings with humility.  We are a community of Christians.  We don't need to do everything by ourselves.  With a humble mentality, we can begin to figure out how we can be of service to others.  It is often in service to others that we can begin to see what God wants of us.

4.  STOP TRYING TO BE SOMEONE ELSE

This is perhaps the most straightforward (as in DUH!) and deep (as in I hadn't thought of it before).  It is very easy to read about a person that plants a garden and tends to it, and think that is something we can do (yet we hate to dig our hands in dirt).  Or about people that do something that sounds oh-so-wonderful, but we can't do certain things about this oh-so-wonderful enterprise.  (For example, climbing Mt Everest... not everyone has the stamina to do so!)

To paraphrase Pope Francis, the Church is like an orchestra.  We are all different instruments.  Together we make beautiful music together, but we are not all the same.  It's okay to be different!

The key here is personal development.  When you concentrate on what you like, the gifts that the Lord has given you (that is, that isn't sinful!) and learn more about it, eventually, who you're called to be will be revealed.  Just remember to deepen your prayer life, prepare to listen carefully and with humility, be humble, and find yourself.

As St. Catherine of Siena once said, "If you are what you should be, you'll set the whole world ablaze."

St Anthony of Padua.

I am sure you have heard of St. Anthony of Padua.  Even if you're not Catholic, you've probably heard of him because we use his intercession a lot for finding lost things.  Well, today is his feast day.  He was a Portuguese Catholic Priest (1195-1231) and friar of the Franciscan Order.  He is popularly known as the patron saint of finding thing or lost people, as well as people in debt.

St. Anthony of Padua.

You can learn more about St. Anthony of Padua at: 

 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anthony_of_Padua and http://www.newadvent.org/cathen/01556a.htm

On Brock Turner

I have been defiantly quiet about Brock Turner and his infamous rape case and following trial that resulted in a slap in the hand of 6 months of jail that turned out to be 3 months instead.

There has been much talk about white privilege and how he was treated with white gloves as compared to other rapists of color.  And as much true as it all that may be, I won't get into that.

I have been the victim of rape.  I have had my drink ruffied and consequently been gang-raped.  While I was out and don't remember all of the details, I do know that I was violated in the most horrible of ways.  I do know that I didn't ask for it, I didn't want it, and because it wasn't something I wanted or asked for, it has haunted me for 12 years and counting.  It is something that I have been talking about in therapy for the last 8 years of my life, and I still have nightmares about it, and wake up sweating.

Someone on my Facebook feed dared to say that we should look into forgiveness and move on.  I agree, but forgiveness doesn't mean that the perpetrator doesn't get to pay for their crime.

It has taken me a long time, but I am still forgiving my perpetrators.  I haven't chosen to forgive them because "they didn't know what they were doing" or whatever other bullshit you can come up with.  I am forgiving them because I need to in order to move on.  The anger and frustration I have had have been more than anything feelings that in the end just punish me and do not let me move on.

I never tried hard enough to bring them to justice, however.  And it is something that hangs over my head.  So yes, 3 months, 6 months, 1 year, whatever, does not seem enough punishment for a rapist, someone that violates someone in the deepest and most personal way.  I personally wish to see him rot in prison for the rest of his life, as rape is a life-altering crime.  However, at least he was brought to justice, which is more than I can say for my perpetrators, and social media has condemned him, which is some sort of justice for the victim in this case.  No, it is not enough punishment (is there ever enough punishment for rape?), but at least it's something, and it is more than can be said for all the unreported rape cases.

I still say, oust the judge, who has sentenced Brock in the stupidest of ways.  Damn the justice system, which has failed the victim in the harshest of ways.

To the victim in this case:  I hope in your recovery journey, you find peace.

How YOU can help:  Help end rape culture.  Only rapists cause rape.  No one asks for it.  Not in the way they dress, or they way they talk, walk, or dance.  Not because they drink too much, or drug themselves silly, either.  If it's not yes, it's no.  If it's not a clear yes, it's no.  If you're not sure, it's no.  It's not worth to risk something so sacred, so special over an unclear proposition.  If you have to drug them to have sex with them, it's rape.  If you have to wait until they're unconscious to have sex with them, it's rape.  It is not something you do for thrills and kicks.  It is a crime, punishable by law and your conscience.

Reporting on the 7 day challenge.

My gosh, has it been hard to be a vegetarian for 7 days!  Not because I love meat (which I do), but because being a mom on the go, I often eat out, and there aren't many vegetarian options out there!  Usually a salad, please hold the chicken!

I have a couple of days left in the challenge, and I am kind of happy that the fast will end.  I will probably keep fasting, but intermittently.  I know, it's kind of cheating, but I can't really be a vegetarian like I used to... It's just a convenience thing.  (I know, fasting is supposed to be inconveniencing...)  Just not my kind of lifestyle anymore.

But I was thinking vegetarian on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays?  Or other kind of fasting?  There are many possibilities.  But for now, it has been hard!  I know it gets easier the longer you do it and the more you are committed to it, because like I said, I used to be vegetarian (like 12 or 15 years ago...)

The purpose of the fast was to strengthen my prayers.

7-day challenge in June.

Inspired by Fr. Dave Dwyer's 30-day challenge of the Busted Halo Show, I decided to do my own 7 day challenge.  I unfortunately only caught the tail end of it, and as much as I love the Busted Halo Show, I will be perfectly honest, I am probably not going to have the time to look for the podcast and listen to it.  It would probably serve me well to do so, but I likely won't.  Since their 30-day challenge starts on June 20, I am pretty sure they will talk about it again, so I will probably talk about it again when I hear about it next.

But for now, from today to June 13, I will have my very own challenge.  You can join me, and I highly encourage you to join me.  I will give up meat and soda.  I will become ovo-lacto-vegetarian for those 7 days.  I will offer this sacrifice for Christians persecuted around the world, especially in China and the Middle East, as well as for the religious education of children who are not being educated in the Faith, but that otherwise have no reason to not be catechized, especially my son, who lives with his agnostic father.

Blog writing in the middle of the night.

It is common practice for writers, to write their pieces well ahead of publishing.  This is also true of most bloggers, and most of my blog posts (though there are some, like today's, that come from the hip).

For me, inspiration tends to come in the middle of the night.  Usually, I just jot it down, or I hope that I can remember it in the morning, but last night, I was awake when inspiration struck.  I have a few blog posts that are outlined or written (and in need of editing), and I have a few topics to write about.

I got so excited writing and coming up with possible topics that I totally lost track of time, and went to sleep fairly late for my taste (12:30am - I'm like a child -  I need to go to sleep early and sleep a lot to function well).  This comes after promising my boyfriend that I would go to sleep way earlier than that.  So when I told him this morning that I didn't go to sleep as early as I had promised, he told me to write a blog about that.  So here I am, writing a blog about it.  (I love you, sweetheart!)

That said, I hope to someday gain readers, and I also hope to provide such readers with magnificent content.  For such hopes to be fulfilled, I need to be inspired and ready to write.  And I need to come up with content at least weekly, and I need to write much, even if it means in the middle of the night.  So, with this in mind, I can't continue to rely on trying to remember in the morning what it is that I thought about in the middle of the night.  Anyway, enough rambling. :) 

Harambe the Gorilla.

I am sure by now you have heard the case of Harambe, the silver-back gorilla at the Cincinnati Zoo, who had to be shot in a quick decision to save a child who managed to get into its enclosure.  I am also sure you have heard the internet comments on social media and in the comments sections of the news outlets that have reported on it.  By and large, these comments ask for the head of the mother of the child, and incredible compassion and sadness for the passing of Harambe, the 17 year-old gorilla.

While it's nice and noble to feel sad for the gorilla, where is the sympathy for the child? For the parents?  Yes, silver-back gorillas are endangered species.  Yes, it seems like a harsh response to kill Harambe, but it is actually harsh to judge the child's mother, just like it is harsh to ask for her incarceration for negligence.

Here's my beef with all this.

If Harambe had been hit with a tranquilizer dart, there's a good chance that the tranquilizer would have agitated him, further putting the child's life in danger, before the tranquilizer went into effect.  This would have been very risky to the child, who could have been easily killed by Harambe.  So, in order to save the child, the gorilla had to be put down.  There should be no question about that.  I feel really sad and really bad and sorry for the gorilla, who didn't know any better, or he wouldn't have shaken and dragged the child through poop-infested waters.

Now, people are asking for the mother's head.  Where is the equality in all this?  The father would be as culpable as the mother for losing sight of the child.  With that out of the way, let's address the next two issues:  the negligence bit, and the fact that children can and will squirm away in the blink of an eye.

So the parents were negligent for a few minutes or a few seconds.  Whatever the case, the kid managed to get down there, somehow.  What parent is able to maintain eye contact over their child(ren) 24/7?  Are parents not allowed to blink anymore?  Is parenthood grounds for being unable to get distracted, even for a few seconds?  Does parenthood mean *never* sleeping again so you can be watching your kid, making sure he or she doesn't fall off the bed, or being there to wake them up when they are having a nightmare?

I am the mother of a 7 year-old, and I consider myself to be pretty watchful.  My son hardly ever gets into trouble.  But, for example, we were at Brookfield Zoo over the Memorial Day weekend.  We were walking together, but we weren't holding hands.  I got lost in thought for a couple of seconds, and next thing I hear is my son yelling "I'm lost! I'm lost!"  He was only a couple of feet away, but there were so many people that he lost sight of me.  His yelling brought me back from my thoughts, and I was able to immediately turn around and tell him "You're not lost," and holding his warm little hand back into the safety of my arms.  Was I negligent?  Was I suddenly a terrible mother?  I don't think so.  I am human, and I make mistakes.  Just as these parents are human and they make mistakes.  (And a toddler is a tiny human that has the ability to disappear in seconds.)

And lastly, children squirm away, especially little toddlers.  I am no developmental specialist, but I know from watching my son and nephew and niece grow up, that toddlers like to push limits and will often "not listen" to what parents are saying because, well, they're busy pushing limits.  It's possible that the parents were busy with other children, or lost in thought (like I suddenly was), or whatever the reason - the child managed to fall into the enclosure.  Even under a parent's watchful eye, toddlers have accidents, some light, some grave, and some even fatal.

So let's be more compassionate for the parents and the shaken child (who, btw, could have died from the shaking alone, had it been more vigorous).  And yes, let's mourn Harambe, but let's not judge the circumstances of his death.  I don't think that the life of a child should be above the life of a gorilla or any other animal - however endangered they might be.