Depression Brought Me Closer to God.

Depression is a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. Also called major depressive disorder or clinical depression, it affects how you feel, think and behave and can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems.

I have been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, since 2008.  At the time, there was much turmoil in my life, and I wasn't in the Church.  I had fallen off.  I wasn't going to Mass, I wasn't praying, I was somewhat agnostic.  I was single, pregnant, and scared.  I had just come back home from a year-long deployment with the U.S. Navy.  My world had just come crashing in.  And in June 2008, mid-pregnancy, I was so depressed that my OB/GYN didn't let me leave the office.  It was that obvious that I was that sad, and I was contemplating suicide after I delivered my baby.  I just felt that worthless and that hopeless.

Soon after I delivered my baby, I lost my job.  I had married the father of my baby on a Justice of the Peace celebration.  So some things were sort of looking up.  I still tried to attempt suicide, but was thankfully too chicken to try.  I considered the possibility of Hell, since I had known this from my formation as a cradle Catholic, and after having talked to a priest about the possibility of getting married in the Church.  Either way, I was so sick that I still went down the suicide path several times.

However, through the years of treatment at the Veterans Affairs Hospital in Chicago, one of the things they push, is that spirituality may be a pillar that keeps you sane.  Over and over this possibility was brought to the table as part of my treatment, and over and over I turned it down.

I had fallen into the idea that intellect alone should save me from the throes of depression.  I had fallen in the un-humble idea that I didn't need God.  If science has so many answers and so many treatments for depression, if I just follow what science says, I should be able to overcome.

Eventually, after about 6 years of "self-sufficiency", I came across a psychologist whom I respect very much.  She insisted - without pushing or preaching - I tried the spiritual pillar of recovery as part of my recovery plan.  I eventually gave in.  She scheduled an appointment for me to meet with the Catholic Chaplain.

I would like to say that I was obedient and humble and that I was able to immediately learn from what this Priest had to say.  But it was not so.  It was only after about 1 year of talking with him back and forth that I slowly came back to the faith and I gained humility and obedience (which they are NOT perfect - way far from perfect, but I try).

I now attend Mass more than just on Saturday Vigil or Sundays and Holy Days.  Sometimes it's a real struggle, but I try my absolute best.  Not because I feel like I am all holy these days - far from it, but because I want to be closer to God.

During my last hospitalization, which was just a few weeks ago, I had a confession with this Chaplain, and mentioned how I was closer to God and more "Christ-like".  He challenged my thought.  He asked me how it was that I was more Christ-like when I was still contemplating suicide?  I realized at this very moment that I needed to be more humble and that I also needed the help of God to get through this most horrible illness.

As you can see from the timeline, I am still a work in progress -  we all are.  But it was this descent down madness that led me to eventually seek God, and return to my faith, making this Cross I bear (depression) a blessing in disguise.

As I grow in faith and prayer, I realize that as much as I hate my depression, it is also a blessing I have.  It is as much a reason to increase my prayer life as it is a reason to thank God for everything that goes on in my life, including the bad.

Of Clutter and the Kingdom of Heaven.

There is no doubt that we are a capitalist country (USA), in a consumerist culture.  We are constantly bombarded by ads that tell us we need this and that product.  We are then told that to be happy we need to have more.  And when more is not enough, we are told we need better stuff, and then when better isn't enough, we need more again, and then better and so on and so forth.  Next thing you know, we need storage spaces outside of our houses, because we have outgrown our homes, so we get a storage space.  (Did you know that storage space companies are well and thriving? I'm sure you did.)  Then we think that we have too much stuff because not only have we outgrown our houses but they are overflowing with stuff and clutter, so we hire organizers to help us with parting ways with the stuff we don't really love, need, or no longer serves us.  (Or we buy books on how to get rid of clutter, either way, I am sure you get my point.)

But, is this really the way Jesus called us to live?  Does Jesus really want us to live in cluttered homes, in a never-ending circle of unhappiness and stuff?  Didn't He say at some point (and someone please help me with the exact Bible verse) to give up all earthly riches in order to enter the Kingdom of God?  Aren't we called to be humble?

I am speculating, because I couldn't find any studies to back this up, but America has to be one of the most cluttered countries.  We are also a self-proclaimed Christian nation.  If this is the case, if we are Christian, then why are we so obsessed with acquiring stuff?  With flaunting what we have (and what we have thanks to debt)?  With impressing our neighbor?  With keeping up with the Joneses?

When did the devil get a chance to ingrain himself in society to such a degree?  That we see it normal and a blessing to be overflowing in things that in the end are nothing but vanities?  When did we, as a Christian nation, put "stuff" first, even above God?

I am trying not to judge, but how many people do you know who would rather go to the shopping mall for 4 hours to spend money acquiring things they don't really need than to go to church?  How many people do you know would rather shorten Thanksgiving dinner or skip it all together so they can go get that fancy whatever-it-is-they-suddenly-decided-they-needed-thing on black Friday?  How many people are so in debt over stuff they really didn't need?

Just some thoughts that came to my head as I was organizing my closet, and getting ready to donate clothes I no longer wear and stuff that I bought when I was feeling down and decided that "retail therapy" was the way to go.  (Yes, I am guilty of consumerism, too.)

Who am I called to be?

There comes a time in the life of Christians in which we ask "Who am I called to be?".

I can't claim to have the answers, because I don't think I do.  However, there are certain things that can help us discern who we are called to be.

Firstly, God created us in a very unique way.  No other human is exactly like us, and God had us in His mind, from the beginning of times, and placed us where and when we are.  When you think about this, I think that there must be a reason that God decided to put me in this world, in this day and age, and that I must figure out what He wants of me.

However, how am I supposed to know what He wants from me?

1.  PRAYER

Prayer is a relationship, a conversation with God.  How do we find out what others want from us?  We ask them in conversation.  So why not have the same approach with God?  You can approach prayer in any which way you want.  That is, with prayers that come from the heart, or from a book.  The basic idea here is to get talking to God.  It may take some time, but a prayerful life will bear fruit.

I know from my personal experience that prayer can seem very one-sided, especially at the beginning.  However, when we keep at it, we find out that God has ways of talking to us.

2.  LISTENING

Listening is very difficult, but as your prayer life increases, listening becomes easier.  God has many ways of talking to us.  In the homilies at Mass, in reading the Bible or the lives of the saints, in what other people may say about your problem without asking them, in dreams, etc.  However, one must be careful with listening.  Listening should be guided by the Church teachings.  God is not going to tell you, for example, to stop going to confession, because that is against Church teaching.  For help in discerning the listening, go to your nearest priest.

3.  HUMILITY

We don't know the answers to everything.  We can't do everything.  We can't make everything happen.  We can't control everything that is going on.  Not everything is going to go our way.  We must accept life's shortcomings with humility.  We are a community of Christians.  We don't need to do everything by ourselves.  With a humble mentality, we can begin to figure out how we can be of service to others.  It is often in service to others that we can begin to see what God wants of us.

4.  STOP TRYING TO BE SOMEONE ELSE

This is perhaps the most straightforward (as in DUH!) and deep (as in I hadn't thought of it before).  It is very easy to read about a person that plants a garden and tends to it, and think that is something we can do (yet we hate to dig our hands in dirt).  Or about people that do something that sounds oh-so-wonderful, but we can't do certain things about this oh-so-wonderful enterprise.  (For example, climbing Mt Everest... not everyone has the stamina to do so!)

To paraphrase Pope Francis, the Church is like an orchestra.  We are all different instruments.  Together we make beautiful music together, but we are not all the same.  It's okay to be different!

The key here is personal development.  When you concentrate on what you like, the gifts that the Lord has given you (that is, that isn't sinful!) and learn more about it, eventually, who you're called to be will be revealed.  Just remember to deepen your prayer life, prepare to listen carefully and with humility, be humble, and find yourself.

As St. Catherine of Siena once said, "If you are what you should be, you'll set the whole world ablaze."

St Anthony of Padua.

I am sure you have heard of St. Anthony of Padua.  Even if you're not Catholic, you've probably heard of him because we use his intercession a lot for finding lost things.  Well, today is his feast day.  He was a Portuguese Catholic Priest (1195-1231) and friar of the Franciscan Order.  He is popularly known as the patron saint of finding thing or lost people, as well as people in debt.

St. Anthony of Padua.

You can learn more about St. Anthony of Padua at: 

 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anthony_of_Padua and http://www.newadvent.org/cathen/01556a.htm

On Brock Turner

I have been defiantly quiet about Brock Turner and his infamous rape case and following trial that resulted in a slap in the hand of 6 months of jail that turned out to be 3 months instead.

There has been much talk about white privilege and how he was treated with white gloves as compared to other rapists of color.  And as much true as it all that may be, I won't get into that.

I have been the victim of rape.  I have had my drink ruffied and consequently been gang-raped.  While I was out and don't remember all of the details, I do know that I was violated in the most horrible of ways.  I do know that I didn't ask for it, I didn't want it, and because it wasn't something I wanted or asked for, it has haunted me for 12 years and counting.  It is something that I have been talking about in therapy for the last 8 years of my life, and I still have nightmares about it, and wake up sweating.

Someone on my Facebook feed dared to say that we should look into forgiveness and move on.  I agree, but forgiveness doesn't mean that the perpetrator doesn't get to pay for their crime.

It has taken me a long time, but I am still forgiving my perpetrators.  I haven't chosen to forgive them because "they didn't know what they were doing" or whatever other bullshit you can come up with.  I am forgiving them because I need to in order to move on.  The anger and frustration I have had have been more than anything feelings that in the end just punish me and do not let me move on.

I never tried hard enough to bring them to justice, however.  And it is something that hangs over my head.  So yes, 3 months, 6 months, 1 year, whatever, does not seem enough punishment for a rapist, someone that violates someone in the deepest and most personal way.  I personally wish to see him rot in prison for the rest of his life, as rape is a life-altering crime.  However, at least he was brought to justice, which is more than I can say for my perpetrators, and social media has condemned him, which is some sort of justice for the victim in this case.  No, it is not enough punishment (is there ever enough punishment for rape?), but at least it's something, and it is more than can be said for all the unreported rape cases.

I still say, oust the judge, who has sentenced Brock in the stupidest of ways.  Damn the justice system, which has failed the victim in the harshest of ways.

To the victim in this case:  I hope in your recovery journey, you find peace.

How YOU can help:  Help end rape culture.  Only rapists cause rape.  No one asks for it.  Not in the way they dress, or they way they talk, walk, or dance.  Not because they drink too much, or drug themselves silly, either.  If it's not yes, it's no.  If it's not a clear yes, it's no.  If you're not sure, it's no.  It's not worth to risk something so sacred, so special over an unclear proposition.  If you have to drug them to have sex with them, it's rape.  If you have to wait until they're unconscious to have sex with them, it's rape.  It is not something you do for thrills and kicks.  It is a crime, punishable by law and your conscience.

Reporting on the 7 day challenge.

My gosh, has it been hard to be a vegetarian for 7 days!  Not because I love meat (which I do), but because being a mom on the go, I often eat out, and there aren't many vegetarian options out there!  Usually a salad, please hold the chicken!

I have a couple of days left in the challenge, and I am kind of happy that the fast will end.  I will probably keep fasting, but intermittently.  I know, it's kind of cheating, but I can't really be a vegetarian like I used to... It's just a convenience thing.  (I know, fasting is supposed to be inconveniencing...)  Just not my kind of lifestyle anymore.

But I was thinking vegetarian on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays?  Or other kind of fasting?  There are many possibilities.  But for now, it has been hard!  I know it gets easier the longer you do it and the more you are committed to it, because like I said, I used to be vegetarian (like 12 or 15 years ago...)

The purpose of the fast was to strengthen my prayers.

7-day challenge in June.

Inspired by Fr. Dave Dwyer's 30-day challenge of the Busted Halo Show, I decided to do my own 7 day challenge.  I unfortunately only caught the tail end of it, and as much as I love the Busted Halo Show, I will be perfectly honest, I am probably not going to have the time to look for the podcast and listen to it.  It would probably serve me well to do so, but I likely won't.  Since their 30-day challenge starts on June 20, I am pretty sure they will talk about it again, so I will probably talk about it again when I hear about it next.

But for now, from today to June 13, I will have my very own challenge.  You can join me, and I highly encourage you to join me.  I will give up meat and soda.  I will become ovo-lacto-vegetarian for those 7 days.  I will offer this sacrifice for Christians persecuted around the world, especially in China and the Middle East, as well as for the religious education of children who are not being educated in the Faith, but that otherwise have no reason to not be catechized, especially my son, who lives with his agnostic father.